I'm not Jesus

I'm not crazy; I don't have a histrionic personality disorder. I do not suffer from delusions of grandiose; I did not come away from my trip to Israel with Jerusalem syndrome. I am a relatively sane, normal human being.

However, I often fall into a trap. I try to be Jesus to people. I try to solve their problems and I believe that the onus is on me to make sure that they become good, sinless Christians. This means I often worry  needlessly about friends, I'm often quick to rebuke them, I make small issues into big issues. In doing this, I often forget to involve Jesus in the process. As I'm to busy trying to be Jesus, I don't have the time and energy to focus on Jesus.

Back in the day, (well, you can still get them) W.W.J.D. band were pretty popular. These were so that in times of decision making, we were to ask ourselves what would Jesus do. It's really good to focus our minds on our Saviour when making decisions, but in some cases we are not able to do what Jesus did. We are not able to forgive people of their sins. We are not able to restore them of their brokenness. These are just cases of the blind leading the blind.

We are called to be ambassadors of Christ. An ambassador does not go with his own authority or power, but with the power and authority of the Head of State. They represent their country and its leader. We, too, represent Jesus and his church. We are to show his love, humility and goodness to people. What's more, we do not do this alone. Jesus gave us authority and power through the Holy Spirit. We go with his authority, not our own.

When I finally realised that I wasn't called to be Jesus, it was both terrifying and liberating. It was terrifying because I had to concede that I wasn't it control. It wasn't up to me whether my friend became a Christian, or whether another friend made the right choices about certain areas of their life. I had to trust that God was working in their life. It was liberating because I no longer felt panicked or guilty whenever I thought my friends were doing something that wasn't right. I no longer had trouble sleeping think about what I needed to do.

I still care deeply about my friends. I pray for them and love them. And if God chooses to use me in whatever way, I'm ready to do that. But, I can sleep at night because they're in far more capable hands than mine.

Quick Question

• Have you felt the pressure to be Jesus to people?

Egg on my face

January's lesson: walk humbly
I have loved the beginning of 2013. Some of it, however, has been rather uncomfortable. God has been pointing out how arrogant and judgemental I can be. He's been using various people and situations to highlight my sin and the error of my ways. Romans 12:3 tells us:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Now, I would go into the details of this, but I don't think the story is finished yet. However, I do have a pretty funny anecdote.

2012 was the year of eggsperimentation. I set out to develop my repertoire of egg cooking skills. I pretty much mastered the poached egg. Impressive, I know. Boiled eggs: I had down ages ago. Or at least I thought so. My confidence made me complacent, and I was lazy. So, one breakfast, when I sat down for some boiled egg and soldiers, I was disappointed to find the egg had yet to cook. What could I do? I couldn't put it back in the pan. That'd be like poaching it but with the shell still attached. I didn't want to throw it away. So I decided I would microwave it. Now, I've heard the warning, "Don't microwave eggs!" but thought I knew better. The top was already off the egg so it wasn't going to explode. Right?

I put the egg in the microwave, selected a low heat, and zapped it in short bursts until cooked. I took it out, and marvelled at my cunning culinary skills. "Ha," I thought to myself. "Whoever said you can't microwave eggs had obviously never met Thomas Eggbeater Ashmead. What fools!" I sat down. I got my spoon. I raised it victoriously and then plunged it into my egg. As soon as the cold metal touched the warm, fluffy white the egg exploded. Bits of egg flew everywhere. They landed in my hair, on my lap and all over my face. Yes, I literally ended up with egg on my face.

That moment, I realised my arrogance; in the humiliation of having egg on my face I learnt humility.

I know that's quite a trivial and arbitrary (but hopefully amusing) example. There are plenty of situations where I thought I knew better, and have judged other people poorly as a result. Wordlive has been going through the book of Romans. Yesterday, it reaffirmed this as the passage was Romans 2. It's quite hard hitting stuff. I have learnt that although others are sinners, I am one also. To judge them would be to ignore my guilt and what grace has done for me.

Aim for February: to think the best of people.

The final curtain

So, I am no longer a youth worker. The last three years have been brilliant and I have seen God do so much in me, around me and through me (which is a miracle in itself).

Some of the youth with me, with my massive nose, and Erica at the front.

So here are some of the answers to your questions and some that I've been thinking about myself.

Why teenagers? Aren't they all horrible and grotty?
No. I much prefer working with teens than adults. Teens can be more enthusiastic, joyful, welcoming, loving and caring than most adults. I've been exceptionally lucky. My youth group comprised of the wisest, the most passionate, the most servant-hearted, the most compassionate people I've ever met. Okay, next question before I make myself cry.

Top 3 highlights

1. Four of my teens getting baptised. That was such a high. Such a cold and windy day, but it was probably one of the most rewarding days of my life.
2. Taking the teens to Soul Survivor.
3. My send off party. Once again they made me proud in how they were enthusiastic and how they offered to help out.

Low lights

1. When no-one showed up. There have been multiple sessions, especially during the summer months, when everyone is doing something else. It's hard not to take it personally.
2. When one teen showed up. Especially when it was a girl. This was not only awkward but a child protection issue. However, it did lead to a great conversation and a lot of faith issues were dealt with that evening.
3. When it feels like no one cares. It's a Friday evening, at 10:30. You've been working all day. You're tired and your desk is a mess, the lounge is a mess. You just want to go home but everyone is gone and it's just you to sort it out. It's moments like those that I really have to remind myself of the privilege it is to serve the living God.

Did you get any presents?
Loads. I got balloons, a teapot, a Spiderman lunchbox, little Doctor Who figurines, a whoopee cushion, some massive inflatable boxing gloves, DC Comic top trumps... One of my teens made a memory board which was brilliant. I really appreciated the thought and effort that went into that and all my presents.

Who has been instrumental in making the last three years so good?
There have been so many people who welcomed me when I first joined this church and who have been willing to bless and support me. God has been so gracious in placing me in a community of people I really love and love me in return. Particular shout outs go to:

• Peter, my pastor. He's been ace and I've grown so much because of his support. He's a kind, encouraging boss that isn't afraid to challenge me. 
• James, who has been a brother, mentor, friend, counsellor, rebuker and role model.
• Marie, she's helped me lead the teens over the last two years. She's an amazing force of nature.
• Erica, who has helped me throughout my last three years. She has such a huge heart for people and is so helpful.
• Duncan. Simply for being an amazing friend.
• and, of course, the teens. I have been exceptionally lucky. It has just been ridiculous.

Hannah (who should blog more) asks "Would you say that working for a church has changed your attitude towards church? Has it had a positive or negative impact on your own personal faith?"
Definitely positive, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It can be really tough, dispiriting, demeaning, painful and frustrating. You'll make mistakes, people will annoy you or hurt you. You'll be exhausted and stretched too thin. It is also, for the most part, a real blessing. One major thing was that I got to know what was happening elsewhere in the church. This was awesome, as you definitely saw God at work in various places. I think I'll miss this the most.

My attitude toward church has changed a lot, especially as Exilio is a very strange church. But I love it and it is like my family. It definitely has had a positive impact on my faith. I'm bolder in proclaiming the lordship of Christ in both word and deed. It's allowed me to practise the gifts that God has given me. It has also given me truly amazing friends that I absolutely love.

If you feel called by God to work in a church or for a Christian ministry, it'd be wrong not to do it. It's going to be tough, but it's definitely worth it.

Karen asked "If you were to tell a new youth worker one "do", "don't" and "I've always wanted to try this" what would they be?"
This is a really hard question. I have about 6 for each so picking one is tricky.

Do give it a shot. If you've got an idea, go for it. It might not work out but you can say you gave it a go. It also teaches the teens not to be scared of failure, no one is perfect (even youth workers) and that we live in a world that is under grace.

Don't make promises you can't keep. There are so many ideas I had that I suggested to the teens and for one reason or another they didn't work out. I expect, actually, it should be a "do delegate". That way you'd probably see most of your ideas realised rather than failing under your own steam.

I wanted to try loads, from volunteering projects to going camping with them, to getting the teens to lead and come up with a term's material.

Bethan asked "What have you most enjoyed teaching your youth...?"
About Jesus. Okay that is the clichéd youth worker question, but it's hard to say anything else.

The people of the Old Testament series was really good and something I was pretty proud of. If you head towards the "Resources" page (tab on the top bar) you can have a look, and use it if you want.

I also really enjoyed the mentoring aspect of my role. So, that's not a topic more of a methodology. But mentoring is an awesome way to disciple people, especially teens. Especially male teens. Role models are really important for young guys.

"...and learning from your youth?"
I've learnt about joy, passion, and gained their contagious love for life.


I have absolutely loved being a youth-worker. I can't believe it's over.

Quick Questions
What should my blog's new name be? Suggestions include:

• Tales of a trainee teacher
• Tales from Thomas

Or have you got better ideas? I'm reluctant to make it a teacher training blog as it has been more thoughts about my faith (that could be a title). 

Any other questions?

Comfortable Christianity

Petworth House

As of about a month ago, I was a member of The National Trust. Then something happened that meant I vowed never to become a member ever again. So I cancelled my direct debit and threw my membership card in the bin (I tried to tear it into pieces but it was too well laminated). This was all because of a day trip to Petworth House.

I used to be a fan of stately homes, so when my parents suggested we visit the country house I agreed. We got there and the weather was terrible, so we couldn't explore the extensive gardens. So we went to the house, picked up these interactive audio devices and set off around the house. My first issue was boredom. In each of these rooms you had the choice of listening to a general overview, and then there were more specific choices about particular items. I just wanted to listen to the overviews and get a jist of what the room was, and maybe if something grabbed my interest I'd listen about that. My parents wanted to listen to everything. This made it slightly tedious.

This is quite commonplace (boredom and parents are often found together), so this wasn't my reason to reject my affiliation with the other 3.5 million people who have joined the National Trust. It was an epiphany I had. Somewhere between the North Gallery and the Staircase I realised that I didn't belong here. Or rather, I did too well but it wasn't something that I wanted. I looked around and saw middle class couples with their middle class children; middle class middle-aged couples enjoying time together now their middle class children have left home; and middle class pensioners, sometimes with their middle class children and middle class grandchildren. There were middle class wellies and middleclass coats and middle class voices coming from under middle class hats. What I saw was my whole life spread out in front of me. It was a life of National Trust picnic blankets, holiday cottages in Cornwall, Laura Ashley scatter cushions, watercolour print birthday cards and faux-antique pine furniture. I would become a middle class father with my middle class children, then a middle aged middle class man with a middle class moustache and a middle class retired man with my middle class moaning.

Suddenly I felt trapped. I felt caught in a prison of home comforts. I realised that I wasn't called live the life of Kirsty's Handmade Britain. It seemed too...nice. I realised I didn't want nice. On my death bed, I don't want people saying, "Well, at least he had a nice life."

Mother Teresa was attributed to saying, 'If I ever become a Saint — I surely be one of "darkness". I will continually be absent from Heaven — to light the light of those in darkness on earth.' I don't want to belong in the nice. I realised I wanted I life where the rubber hits the road. I want it to be messy. I want my heart to be broken by the brokenness of this world. I want to pour out everything.

Quick Questions

• Is it wrong to have comforts as a Christian?
• What are you called to?

Reputation

According to Fortune magazine, the five companies with the highest reputation in America are Apple, Google, Amazon, Coca-Cola and IBM. But what is it about them that makes them so highly regarded? The magazine cited their innovation; their ability to invest in long-term plans and ability to expand as some of the reasons. It probably isn't their ethics (Apple has been linked with sweat shops, worker suicides and child labour; Coca-Cola accused of misusing water supplies and linked with the murders of union leaders, as some examples). This got me thinking about the importance of reputations and what I want a reputation for.

Personal experience has taught me how reputations can make or break someone. When I was at sixth-form I had a reputation for being chronically disorganised. It'd be quite easy to say at this point that I was disorganised because people labelled me that way, but I probably need to take responsibility for my own actions.However, when I left for university I bucked my ideas up. I bought an academic diary, I made myself a colour coded timetable, I got a pencil case properly prepared, and put my clocks five minutes fast. Then I began to get the reputation of being organised. So, in order to maintain this facade I worked harder at being organised. I put various systems in place like I would staple my library receipts into my diary so I knew when the books were due and for every essay I read I created a cover sheet with the bibliographic information, key quotes and links to other articles. I was the one that always knew what was going on, to the extent that people will ring me and ask me if they didn't. People started making comments like, "I wish I was as organised as you were." I can now safely say that I am pretty organised.

Probably linked to this reputation and being forced to manage other people's life as a result, I also gained the reputation of being in control. I was never worried, never phased by things and took everything in its stride. In Mosaic, however, I have somehow gained the reputation of being neurotic. One off-hand comment by someone stuck and now I'm seen as a worrier. This week I realised that, actually, I have been worrying a lot, and far more than I used to. I spoke to my friend at university about my reputation for being neurotic and she pretty much scoffed at the idea. Since then, the things I was worried about seem far more manageable and I've found myself less stressed.

I think we see an instance of how Jesus uses the idea of a reputation to shape someone. In Matthew 16:18, he tells his disciple Simon, "You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." Jesus changes someone's name to "Rock". He is publicly declaring, "you are stable, a firm foundation. I believe in you." If we look at what Peter was actually like, he probably didn't deserve that reputation. He was a bit unsteady, brash and unreliable. Jesus saw the potential in him and gave him the reputation of being stable enough to build his church on. And history has shown that the gates of Hades have yet to overcome it.

This has quite a few implications. We can build people through giving them a positive reputation, but equally we can destroy their potential. Ephesians 4:29 states:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

We can work, through the words we say, to dismantle negative reputations of people. We can help people fulfil their potential by shaping what others think of them and what they think of themselves. So remember:

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4)

Quick Questions

1. What do you have a reputation for?
2. What would you like a reputation for?
3. Has a reputation ever shaped how you've behaved?

 I have written about similar ideas in other posts. If you want to have a read then here they are:

• Words
• Identity Issues

Plots and plans

A while back I wrote about how I needed to let God say no. If you haven't read it, take a moment to as it will inform you about the crazy that goes on in my head and gives a context for this post. It turns out God said no. Twice. Well, sort of three times. Then he said yes. It's pretty confusing, so let me explain.

I applied for places in both a PGCE and medicine (both the normal course, BM5 and the graduate entry course, BM4). I got interviewed for the PGCE, and although I thought it went well there was only one place left. I logged onto the GTTR track website and was confronted by the word, "Unsuccessful". I was pretty gutted as I was using the PGCE as a safety net and that was ripped away from me. Then I had to wait to find out about the medical degree.

One day, whilst at Totton College, I suddenly thought, "This is the day that I will find out one way or another." I don't know what made me think that, but I rushed to check UCAS track, logged in and looked at the status of the BM5 application. Unsuccessful. I scrolled down for the BM4 course. Unsuccessful. My heart sank. I felt like that word was branded on my forehead.

Now, Totton College is not the best place to receive bad news. Especially when the conversation that is going on behind you is about the contributing factors to the high suicide rate of 18-25 males: "They just feel like they have no purpose and no where to go..." Yes, it was a bleak moment. And I was angry. Apparently, God had a plan for my life. And this was it? I was confused. I had tried to trust in God, but for what? It wasn't helped by people asking what my plan C was. I has no idea. I didn't want to come up with a plan only for it to be unsuccessful once again.

Less than four hours later, however, it all changed. I was waiting at the train station when my phone rang. I answered it and I the person said, "Hello, this is [insert generic female name here]. I'm not sure if you remember, but I interviewed you for a place at our PGCE in February. More places have opened up and I'd like to ask you back for another interview."

Couple of weeks later I went to the interview. It went well. I was offered a place.

Proverbs 16:9 tells us:

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

I had tried very hard to plan my course and to determine my steps. I had plotted and planned, but, without God, it's futile. I am still thinking about my future. I am thinking of possibilities but I'm going to hold on to them lightly and let the Lord guide my feet. (If you want a hint of what my ideas are click here and then here.)

I need to remember: I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

Scrubbing up

Sometimes, working for a church is tough work. Working with teens in a church is even tougher. Last night we had great fun doing some modern painting using Bible passages as inspiration. The only problem was the resulting mess. Today I went into the church to tidy up. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it can be easy to forget that when you're on your hands and knees scrubbing mats you put down, or when a bin bag splits leaking garbage juice all over your foot, or you're washing up the cups that got put away dirty a few weeks back and started to grow things. Yes, that was my wild Saturday evening.

While on my hands and knees I was getting a bit frustrated about the attitude of some of the teenagers.* I was finding half-filled glasses every where despite asking them to put all the cups in the kitchen and paintbrushes despite have asked some one to collect them in. I was thinking how unfair it was for me to be going out of my way by coming in on what should be a day off and serving my teens. Then I realised that my grumbles were a bit petty. Mark 10:45 tells us that:

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Here I was moaning that I was serving a bunch of absent minded teens, when Jesus came to serve the very people that would have him crucified. This reminded me what an awesome privilege it was to be able to, in my own small way, offer an act of obedience to the God of the universe. Yes, we are called to serve. This isn't because someone is holding a gun to our head, or telling us that we are bad people if we don't, or we're being bribed by the promise of heaven. Even if I didn't clean up after the teens I would still get to heaven and I've still be made pure by Jesus' death (although I would upset the people who next came to use the room). I do it because I am grateful for what God has done for me.

Like I wrote in a post a while back:

I have received salvation. It's amazing. It's free. Stop complaining.


* I love my teens. For the most part, they're really helpful and lovely and I know how lucky I am as a youth worker. I don't want you to go away with the impression that they're a handful.

Why the long face?

I heard a story* about someone who worked with seminary students. He would ask them "When God looks at you what expression is on his face?" A lot of the answers would be "disappointment" or "anger". It seemed to be a common consensus that, when God looked at us people, he probably wouldn't be happy.

At Mosaic we managed to get into a discussion about what judgement day would be like. Some people were saying that God would get out his big book, look up their entry and read out every wrong thing they had ever done. He would list every cruel thought, every lie, every act of lust, every cutting word they said. The list would go on and on and on. It would remind them of every time you rejected God's way and followed their own.

Surely it's different from this. If God still holds our sin against us, still has it written down in some massive dusty tome, then what was the cross for? Why did Jesus die? The Bible tells us that it is not like that.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

God does not count our sins against us. The passage goes on to say in verse 21 that we "become the righteousness of God." Through God's initiative, he has reconciled us to himself, so that instead of being sinful we become his righteousness.

Colossians 1:21-22 fantastically summarises what Jesus has done for us:

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behaviour. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation

We are no longer blemished. We can no longer be accused of all the things that we have done. Those thoughts, those lies, those words: we're free from them.

I offered my take on the day of judgement. I suggested that God would flick through his massive book, and he'd come to my name. There would not be a long list of all my past crimes and mistakes. Instead, the entry would look like this:

Thomas Ashmead

See: Jesus Christ.

1 John 1:9 tells us how we can get your entry to look like this:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

If you have confessed your sins to God, whenever he looks down on you he sees someone who his holy, pure, without blemish. I bet he looks well chuffed.

*Nicked from Kara Powell, 'Deep Ministry in a Shallow World' (DVD)

Whac-a-thought

We are told in Philippians 4:8 to control our thoughts:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Now, this always seemed a bit of a tricky deal. I know random thoughts seem to pop in my head and if a psychiatrist knew about them I'd probably get locked up. You know the ones: "What would it actually be like to get run over by this bus?" or "How hard is it to steal candy from a baby?" or "If my annoying brother is going to be with Jesus when he dies, surely murdering him isn't that wrong?" (Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about). I'm pretty sure thoughts about petty theft or a blatant disregard for my or my brother's longevity probably do not come under any of the categories mentioned in Philippians.

Martin Luther was attributed with saying something along the lines of "you can't stop birds flying over your head, but you can stop them from making a nest." He meant that you cannot stop these random thoughts from popping into your mind, but you can stop them taking hold.

Sometimes, especially when tired or stressed, it feels like I'm playing a constant game of Whac-a-Mole in my mind. One negative thought pops up, I manage to bop it on the head and then along comes another one. Soon the (somewhat extended) metaphorical hammer is discarded on the floor and these evil moles are appearing telling me lies about myself, my friends and the rest of the world.

I think, perhaps, we have to get in the culture of actively thinking about positive things. We should try and minimise space for these negative thoughts to appear in. Here are some ideas of how I'm going to try and do this:

• write down 3 things everyday that I want to thank God for. They have to be different from any other days. This was done in a scientific study about positive thinking habits and apparently it works.
• if I am thinking resentful thoughts about someone I'll write ten things I respect about that person (hopefully, this will calm my urge to murder poor Stephen).
• memorise helpful Bible passages to think over.
• write down negative thoughts on a piece of paper and write down why they're stupid, unhelpful or unbiblical.
• and (my fail safe youth worker answer) pray about it.

Quick Question

1. What tips do you have? 
2. Do you think I need professional help?

  

Say thank you...

Today I was thanked for something I'm pretty sure I didn't do. I didn't correct them, because there is a possibility I did do it but just forgot. So instead I took the glory for something someone else probably did. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person.

It got me thinking about the act of showing appreciation. What I got thanked for (whether I deserved it or not aside) was something small and easily forgotten. The fact the person went out their way to thank me for it was a really nice, compassionate gesture. 

Paul's letters often start with thanking God for the recipients (e.g. Romans 1:8, 1 Corinthians 1:4 and, my favourite, Philippians 1:3). The idea of thanking God for people in your life is beautiful. Letting them know about it is even better. I also love what he's thankful for. It isn't for giving him a gift (although Philippians is actually as sort of thank you letter), but for the work of Jesus in them and their willingness to share the gospel.

So, thank you readers for reading my blog. I really appreciate it. It makes it feel worthwhile and rewarding. Even if this is your first and only time, thanks for doing it. Thank you to those who write comments. I love reading them. Thank you.

Perhaps you could take a moment to thank God for someone who has had a positive influence over your life and then letting them know about it? Or people you admire for the way God works in them?

Quick questions

Who are you thankful for?
How do you thank people? Cards? Texts? Flowers?
Am I a bad person?

Today is the day...

It's Bank Holiday Monday. The weather is gross. It's cold, windy, with constant rain. Not that refreshing, dramatic rain, where the sky seems to drop to the earth and wash away the dirt and grime leaving everything fresh and clean, but it's that energy sapping, pathetic rain.

It was only a few weeks ago that I was sitting in the park in the sun, reading or chatting with a friend. The weather was so nice I bought some shorts and flip flops (the shorts arrived in time for the cold weather to return). On days like that it is so easy to praise God.

Beautiful scenes like this makes it easy to praise God

But today is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it. Yes, wet, gross Bank Holiday Monday is given by the Lord as much as the hot, sunny weekend we had a fortnight ago. So, let us rejoice and be glad.

Quick questions
What are you rejoicing about today?
When do you struggle to rejoice?

Identity Issues

This was previously posted on my old blog. I rediscovered it, saw it was good (even if I do say so myself), so I thought I'd post it here.

For my dissertation I have been reading essays on how certain characters have fictionalised others (usually the male fictionalising the female, as this line of argument is often found in feminist discourse), and this got me to thinking. To what extent am I just a figment of society’s imagination? How is my identity as an individual determined? Fortunately, I came to a reassuring conclusion, but you’re going to have to wait for that.

The question of identity is one that is an issue that is existent in our lives since about the age of two. In fact, it is the arrival of the question of identity that makes the twos so terrible. For the first years of a baby’s life they are under the impression that they are merely an extension of the primary care-giver (as it usually the mother, that is what I shall continue to call it). Their existence is bound by their mother's; the child is alive only because their mother is. Come two, however, and the baby realises that when the mother is not there they still are, and it suddenly hits them, they are an autonomous being (Not quite like that. I doubt any two-year-olds have thought ‘Hang on a second, I’m an autonomous being. I have an identity to formulate’). Then boundaries must be established and the terrible twos have begun.

But what exactly is our identity? If I were to write down who I was we would hit problems. I would have to make use of flawed and problematic labels in order to define me. I would write something along the lines of ‘I am a: twin, brother, son, grandson, boyfriend, cousin, nephew, student, blogger, citizen of the United Kingdom, inhabitant of both the New Forest and Aberystwyth’, you get the picture. These are the slightly less transient ones. However, identity is always fluid. When I enter a shop I am a customer; when I visit another country I am a tourist; when I take the bus I become a passenger. So we can already see that identity is a very complex notion.

Also, there is a question of who’s me am I? Everyone who knows me has a slightly—or sometimes drastically—different opinion of who I am exactly. My friend Kaylee, who I know from my secondary school will think I am ‘a friend, from secondary school, who is not that organised’. However, some of my friends at University (where I have had to take responsibility for myself) will say that I am one of the most organised people they know. To be honest I think that I am quite organised, but have my silly moments. But which am I: am I Kaylee’s disorganised Thomas; my university friends’ organised Thomas; or my middle-ground Thomas? You would probably tend to say that my opinion of myself is far more accurate than those around us. Kaylee hasn’t seen my new-found skills in time-management, and my friends in Aberystwyth do not know what poor Kaylee had to put up with whilst in secondary school—however I have seen it all.

Yet, it is unlikely that we have the best knowledge of who we are. Freudian psychoanalysis has dismantled that idea well enough, but I shall discuss it anyway. Mental illnesses are the most extreme instance: the delusions of grandiose that schizophrenics suffer and the distorted body-image of those with eating-disorders are two examples of how an individual’s view of themselves can be mistaken. However, there are less extreme ways this occurs. Words such as ‘arrogant’, ‘selfish’, ‘egocentric’ are there for those who believe themselves to be better, more worthy or more important than they actually are (as denoted by social standards). To use myself as a case-study, yet again, there have been numerous times that I have realised my view of myself was wrong. I believed for a good part of my life that I was born in the year of the dragon, according to Chinese zodiac. I was quite proud of that, despite not believing in its implications. However this was dispelled when I realised that Chinese New-Year was quite late in 1988, and I was born before it. This made me a rabbit. Yes, a rabbit—quite a jump (or should I say hop. Sorry, that was terrible). This is just a small incidence compared to those you hear about in trashy magazines (‘My mother was actually my father’ type headlines). So it appears that I can’t rely on myself to form my identity. This is especially difficult with the Freudian idea of denial. You could say I was just about anything, and if I tried to refute it the most effective retort is that I am in denial.

So it appears as if we have come to a brick wall. I can't form my identity, or really know what it is. Nor can anybody else I know. So it appears that I will never know who I really am. That is quite scary. I am now an undefinable entity, and impossibility, so to speak. However, we have come to my positive conclusion. I must warn you, I have been leading you all so far to a testimony of my faith, a reason why I feel I must believe in Christ. Hopefully that will not deter you from reading on.

I have an assurance of identity in my faith. I have a God that knows everything that can be known about me. He knows how many hairs there are on my head (Matthew 10:30). God created me and knows all about me. In Psalm 139 it says

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
...
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God created me and knows all about me, even before I was actually born. So my identity is formed through my belief in God, and through Christ. Colossians 1 tells me that Jesus is what holds the universe together, so it is him that holds my identity together. It is not my view of myself, it is not my friends' opinions of me, or who I think I am, but it is through Christ that I am made. This means that I must live in Christ, to have any complete identity:

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,
rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of the world rather than on Christ.
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ.

Colossians 2:6-10

So there it is. The fullness of my identity is found in Christ. I am free from the despair of existential philosophy (which indeed leaves me hollow), or the denial of Freudian psychology, as long as I continue to be rooted in Christ. As my sense of identity depends on it, I think I will.

Helpful things to say when someone is grieving

Although I've been trying to keep up to date with Mark, the subsequent blogging hasn't happened. Stuff has been going on (you can probably tell by the content of this post it wasn't too cheery).

When some one has lost a loved one there are some helpful things to say. Then there are some things which aren't so helpful. They may sound fine, but if you were to say them, the person often hears something else.

1. "It's a part of God's plan." You know all that grief and pain you're experiencing? Well, God wanted it to happen. That's right. He decided it will happen and it's a part of his plan. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Only he does. But he's so good, right?
2. "Were they saved?" "Did they know Jesus?" You know that person who just died? Well, heaven or hell? An eternity of peace or fiery torment? That's all I want to know. And if it's hell, why didn't you do much about it? I'm not going to go as far as to say it's your fault...but, it's pretty much your fault.
3. "Did you pray for them?" I mean, if you were praying for them, they wouldn't have died right? Maybe you didn't pray with enough faith. I'm not going as far to say it's your fault...
4. "At least you still have..." Two grandparents. What you complaining about, man.
5. "They're now at peace" To be honest, I can't really be bothered to think of anything new to say, so I'll just knock out this old cliche.
6. Nothing. What, you're in pain? You're hurting? Look, it's just a bit awkward for me. I don't really do the 'helping friends when they're down' thing. And you'll get over it and it'll be like it never happened.

If someone gets me this card, I'll do something unspeakable...

Maybe, here are some things you could say:

1. Man, that sucks. I can't imagine how you feel.
2. I'm really sorry.
3. I love you.
4. How are you?
5. I'm praying for you and your family.

A hug would be nice too.

Fortunately, although I've had a few of the frustrating comments, I've had a lot of the positive comments too. Just a huge thanks to all the guys in Mosaic!

The perils of the church sofas

(Originally posted at the Church Sofa) Not to brag, but my church has three sofas, a load of comfy chairs and a pile of bean bags. And they are good, soft, squishy sofas. I know a few people, myself included, who have had naps on them. When someone announces they’re going to have a lone, quiet prayer-session in the lounge, you know what they really mean.

I’ve run quite a few youth socials in that lounge, from film evenings to a sit down meal with communion. We can pull the sofas around to make a sort of home cinema, or arrange them around coffee tables for a cafe feel. They help to make a really welcoming and relaxing environment and quite often visiting teens will comment on the swanky set up we have. These sofas, however, aren’t as great as they seem. The first time I visited the church, one of the teens fell off the back of one. Last Friday, one of my youth found a crème egg that was probably lost at Easter nestled between the cushions. I dropped something down the back and, going to reach it, my hand emerged covered in fluff and youth-snack debris. But my concerns over our church sofas goes further than this.

Feeling the youth program needed a bit of a shake-up, I told the teens that we were looking at doing a few things differently. One of the panicked teens asked, “We’re going to keep meeting here? I love this place.” At first I was touched. I thought to myself, “we’ve created a really positive environment, where teens just love to hang out, relax and discover who Jesus is.” But this comment has begun to worry me. What if the teenagers only come for the sofas? What if they don’t want to follow Jesus, and they’re only interested in the squishy cushions? Is the identity of my youth ministry about living life to the full, with God at the centre, or is it built around the room we meet in? My worry is that the swanky set up only feeds in to the consumerist mind set prevalent in society today. We are simply there to provide a comfortable place where people can chat and relax. The teens just come, eat, play games and go. This isn’t fulfilling Jesus’ commission to us; Jesus did not ask us to “go, buy well upholstered furniture and scatter pillows,” but rather to go and make disciples, baptise them, teach them to obey. The teens just see the lounge as a place where their needs are catered for and any suggestion that they take the initiative and try to put Biblical living into practice go largely ignored.

So, in a way, I miss pews: I have a theory that most missionaries went on their travels to avoid sitting on them another week. I love the fact that our church lounge is welcoming and a fantastic place to show hospitality and inclusivity, but are we just breeding a generation of teens who can’t be bothered to live out their faith and get up off the sofa? I really hope not.

Words

I love words. I love learning new ones and having the opportunity to use them. I love reading well crafted sentences. I appreciate puns, even if they do make me cringe a little.

My father once gave me a profound piece of advice. He told me that words are like toothpaste. Once toothpaste is out of the tube, no matter how hard you try, you can't get it back in.

Recently, God has been really challenging me on how I use my words. Words are powerful. In the beginning, God spoke words and what he spoke came into being. Our words can damage and they can build up. The Bible is very clear on what types of words you should be using:

They are to be considered
Matthew 12:36-37 says that "everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." That is a strong statement. It's actually really troubling. How many empty words have I spoken? Which words will acquit me and which will condemn me?

They are to give life and to build people
The Bible recognises the importance of words in people's lives. They can renew, encourage and prosper people. Conversely they can be damaging and hurtful. Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 25:15, 1 Peter 3:9 are all helpful (read them here), but I think Proverbs 15:4 puts it beautifully:

Gentle words are a tree of life;
a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

They should have value
Proverbs 11:11 tells us how we as Godly citizens can prosper a city. If, however, we are careless with our words we can bring destruction. If we speak with consideration our words can prosper a whole city. I think that's amazing.

They should be pure
I like a poo joke as much as the next man. And although ruling them out entirely may be a bit extreme (the Bible does contains some scatological humour), I need to keep my words as pure as possible. Philippians 4:8 says how we should think on things that are right and pure. If we speak of things that are impure, we're obviously thinking about them too. Ephesians 5:4 also warns against crude jokes and stories.

They should be thankful
The last verse from Ephesians leads me onto this one quite nicely. It talks about how our talk, instead of being crude, should be full of thanks and praises to God.

The hard thing is going to be remembering this when I go to open my mouth. Does anyone have any advice on how to do this? Maybe I should write it on my hand.

I'll leave you with a final verse from James:

If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.

Yikes!

Quick Questions

1. Do you have stories of how words have been a powerful force in your life (either positively or negatively)?
2. What advice do you have about taming your tongue (vows of silence, swear jars, etc.)?
3. What other things should we consider when using our tongues?

My part of the story

(A friend and co-blogger wrote that we shouldn't try to see God in our stories, but see ourselves in God's story (she took it from Eugene Peterson, so shouldn't get all the credit). I love this concept, that we are part of something bigger and greater than ourselves. So, this is a story where God is the main character, but I have just a bit part. It reads a bit like a children's story, which wasn't my original intention but I quite liked it. I also refer to myself as in the third person, in order to emphasise that this is not just my story, but my small part in a much more crucial narrative-not because I'm crazy.)

In the beginning was God, and since then he has done a lot of miraculous things. First, he created the universe, which is no mean feat. He then sent his Son to reconcile the universe to him. It was not an easy reconciliation, it was painful and hard; the universe got the better deal. God has always been faithful, back when he made the universe and back when he was doing the reconciling. He remained faithful to two of his people, M and B. B, at this time, was pregnant with twins. God gave this couple a message, through a well-respected elder at their church. The message was simple, it was "Everything is going to be fine."

Later that evening, B began to bleed quite heavily. Although scared that they could be losing their babies, M and B remembered the message that God had given them. And, again, God was faithful. The twins survived.

On the 6th February, B went into labour. The first twin was born and they named him Stephen, for Stephen was the name of his grandfather and was also someone in the Bible. Stephen was not a healthy baby. He had a Tracheoesophageal fistula. This is where the food pipe goes into the wind pipe. If something wasn't done about it Stephen would have died. Six minutes after Stephen was born, the second child came. They called him Thomas, for Thomas means twin. He was not a healthy baby either. He had too little blood (for Stephen had it all) and the doctors thought he may have meningitis. But, again, God was faithful. The twins survived.

Stephen and Thomas grew up, and M and B loved them very much. Because of this they also knew that they were loved by God. When they were eight, M was telling Thomas and Stephen how he came to know about God (who created the universe and reconciled the universe to him through his Son). Although Thomas was young, he decided that he wanted to know God too. Whilst sitting in the back of the car, Thomas decided that he would live his life getting to know about this God.

Thomas lived his life, learning more about God and his son Jesus. However, it was not always easy. Sometimes Thomas felt as if God was not there with him. Sometimes he would tell God that he didn't feel like following him any more. But when this happened, Thomas always knew that it didn't matter what you felt like. God was still God, and it was no point trying to hide from it.

Whilst at secondary school Thomas ran his CU. It didn't go too well, but he did learn a lot from the experience. Thomas stayed at his school's sixth-form, which was a mistake. He was very unhappy there. So unhappy that he began to hurt himself on purpose. It was only in small ways, but it still wasn't wise. Thomas thought that somehow he could control the way he felt if he hurt himself, and he would then feel better for it. It was silly because it actually made him feel worse. Thomas wasn't doing very well at sixth-form and his marks weren't that good. He was meant to be going to university but he didn't know where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do. So he decided to apply to go to Swansea, even though he don't really want to go there.

Thomas wondered where God was in this situation. God wasn't helping with the pain he was feeling, nor was he making his university choices any clearer. Thomas felt that God had left him on his own and this made him feel hopeless. But God was faithful at the beginning, and God was faithful at Thomas' birth, so God was faithful even through this time.

When it came to finding out his A Level results, Thomas found out he did not have the grades needed to get into the Swansea University. This meant he had to look for places in other universities to see if they will let him in. He phoned many different universities who did not want to let him in. He then phoned the university in Aberystwyth, and they said they would love to have him and invited him to an open day. So Thomas took the train, on his own, all the way to Aberystwyth. When he arrived the sun was shining, everyone seemed welcoming and Thomas was glad to be there (there were also a lot of Jewish people there, which Thomas thought was strange, but this isn't important to the story). Thomas decided that Aberystwyth was the place for him.

Thomas did end up going to Aberystwyth University. He made lots of friends, he found a church where he felt like a member of the family and really enjoyed his course. He no longer felt he need to hurt himself anymore, and he was happy. It was God's plan, all a long, that Thomas would go to Aberystwyth. Even when Thomas was sad and unsure and without hope, God was still faithful.

It took him a while to realise this. At a CU weekend away Thomas was asked to share his testimony. He was telling this story (with some extra bits, or others missing) to a group of students when he realised how God had been so faithful to him, even when he couldn't see it at the time. Thomas had to try very hard not to cry.

Soon, university was coming to an end. Thomas, like at sixth-form, didn't really know what he wanted to do afterwards. This time, however, rather than feeling hopeless he decided to rely on God. A friend suggested to him that he applied for a job in a church. So he did. He applied for a job in Oxford, but he didn't get it. Though Thomas knew it was a part of God's plan, he was still getting slightly worried, because he did not want to move back home to Southampton. He thought that he had left his parents' house for good. God, however, had other plans (which are always better than our own).

God provided Thomas a job at a church in Southampton. It was called Waterfront Church then, but now it's called Exilio. It was only part-time and he needed another job. Thomas applied for a job at Totton College. Unfortunately, because one of the references didn't come through he didn't get the job he had applied for. Thomas was a bit sad, but thought that God knew what he was doing. A few days later he gets another call from Totton College. The references had come through and they had made a new job post just for him. God had provided Thomas with the other job he needed.

Thomas loves the church he is at. He loves the people he has met and the teenagers that he works with. Thomas knows because of everything that has happened that God has an exciting plan for him. But most of all Thomas will always remember that God was faithful back when he was making the universe, he has been ever since and he will continue to be faithful forever and ever.

Amen.

Quick Questions

1. Any questions?
2. What's your story?

Tiredness Kills

It's now half-term. In the few weeks running up every school break I, as well as every youth-worker and employee of the education sector, experience half-term fatigue. School staff rooms become an insomnia support group and all you can think about it your next dose of caffeine.

I don't know what you do when you're tired to relax and rejuvenate. I generally sleep obscene amounts and mess up my sleep pattern or stare blankly at a laptop screen expecting to somehow give me more energy. It's no wonder that I don't actually feel refreshed after doing this. So where should we find our rest.

In Psalm 62, David tells us where he gets his rest from: "Truly my rest comes from God; my salvation comes from him". In verse 5 he reiterates it by saying, "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him." Rest, salvation and hope are all linked in these verses, and they all have the same source.

This rest is not just curling up to a good movie or an afternoon nap. The Hebrew in verse 1, the word rest has a deeper meaning, a sense of silence, waiting and expectation. It means also to place a confidence in God.

Quick Questions

1. What is your favourite way to unwind?
2. Does waiting stress you out?

Spring Clean

A common thing that comes with the territory of being a youth worker is mess. So, today I had a bit of an overdue spring clean and my desk is now tidy. I wonder how long it will last for.

My desk (Click for larger version)

I was going to do a tenuous and cheesy link to get Jesus in this post. It would have gone something like this: "I quite often wish that the desk would clean itself, but it can't. In the same way, we can't clean up ourselves ourselves so we need Jesus to do it for us." Then I would have quoted 1 John 1:9 or Psalm 51:2.

That would have been the typical youth worker thing to do.

Quick Questions

1. What things come with your job? Clutter? Tidiness? Stress?
2. What is your working environment like?
3. Did you like the way I told you what I would have done, which is basically just the same as doing it?

Good and Bad

Often people don't see the humour in the Bible. For me there is a particularly funny episode in Job 2, which involves an interaction between Job and Mrs Job. I like to imagine Job as a sort of Victor Meldrew character and Mrs Job as Margaret (only because it makes it funny, not because they're particularly similar).

Job as portrayed by Richard Wilson
(Image from BBC via The Guardian)

Job had tragedy after tragedy befall on him. All his children had died and his livestock, and his wealth with it, had gone. Then he was struck by boils and he sat on a pile of ash scraping them with broken pottery. Mrs Job comes along and says, "Why are you still trying to retain your integrity. Just curse God, roll over and die."

Then Job said, "You're talking like a foolish woman. If we can accept the good from God, then surely we should accept the bad."

I love this honest picture of husband and wife. But I also love what Job says afterwards, about being able to accept both the good and the bad.

A couple of posts ago I wrote about how I'd moved house. I wasn't quite settled at that point, but now I am. I'm quite enjoying my life with its new found freedom. However, my housemates are all leaving at the end of the month (not due to me, I hope). Yesterday, my landlady was at our house sorting some bits and told me that she was using this as an opportunity to change the tenancy agreements. It is to become a whole house lease, so either I find people to move in or I move out.

This was obviously frustrating, and I think my landlady felt really guilty because previously in the conversation I was telling her how I had settled in and was enjoying living there.

I was quite annoyed, not with the landlady funnily enough, but with God. I thought that this was where God intended me to be and I was annoyed that he allowed it to get messed up. I obviously need to take the bad as well as the good, and also listen to what I write myself.

Quick Questions

1. What do you say when things go wrong? Is it "I don't believe it"?
2. What has caused you to be frustrated with God recently?
3. What encouraging stories have you got of God answering prayers when you least expected it?

On holiday from God

The last three weeks or so, I've mostly been in holiday mode. I've had the Easter holidays and then the four day weekend, so I've mostly been lying in the sun in a local park. I've definitely been relaxing. There has been a bad side to this. For the last fortnight or so I've been finding I've also been taking a holiday from God.

I have definitely not been investing time in deepening my relationship with him and have been getting by doing the bare minimum. Having little structure to my days I've had little motivation to do anything except watch Doctor Who DVDs and sleep. This has meant that I've also had little motivation to spend time with God by reading the Bible and praying. Which is odd, because I seem to have quite a bit to pray about.

It's tough finding the perfect balance between work, play and time with God. It always seems time with God is the first thing to disappear from the list. Read this post from my friend Rachel about the other side of the coin.

On another side, I'm quite excited about what is happening in Mosaic at the moment, and will hopefully blog about it a bit more. Although, my internet is down so it might make things interesting (once again I'm currently in Trago lounge). We're currently going to be reading Acts and, being the class swot, that will inspire me to read my Bible a bit more.

Quick Questions

1. How have you been making the most of the nice weather?
2. Did you watch the Royal Wedding?
3. What are you currently reading in the Bible (if you are)?
4. What tips do you have for maintaining a healthy Bible reading habit?